I grew up with a small town influence in rural North Carolina. Life was always busy and there was always something to learn. In my entire childhood, I’d never been outside of the few states surrounding me. The world was a large and foreign place to me. I found its influence largely inconsequential. My biggest trip as a young adult was also the first time I’d ever been on an aircraft. My flight headed to US Army Basic Training took me halfway across the country and was the dawning of a new era for me. 

Early influence

Backing it up a bit, my childhood was quite simple. I lived in only two different homes until adulthood. Those two homes were within 15 minutes of each other and we only moved because it was to a larger place on a piece of land, rather than on a small lot in a neighborhood. Sprinkle in a few vacations to not-so faraway places and that was the extent of my world influence. As I encountered people outside of my hometown, I found that my simple childhood felt insignificant and even embarrassing to tell to others. So, I often downplayed it or changed the subject. Others’ lives seemed so much more interesting. I guess we all feel a little that way as we grow up. Simple conversation items like ‘where did you go to school’ and ‘where are you from’ often felt uncomfortable. 

Lack of external influence 

Only a literal few people outside of my family and people I grew up with know this about me. I never attended public school until I was an adult going to college. Homeschooling was my reality long before it was fashionable. Accurate or not, I experienced a growing feeling of a stigma associated with homeschooling. Take your pick; perceived as less intelligent, less educated, socially constrained, or just simply different. So, I never discussed it with anyone as I moved away from my hometown. I would just avoid the subject so I didn’t feel the need to come up with an explanation that I felt no one would understand. 

The experience itself seemed mostly normal as I was growing up. We hung out with people in the same social group and worked on school during the same hours and schedule as our public-school counterparts. I didn’t really begin to develop the belief there was a stigma until I ventured outside of our typical social circles. Perhaps that was when I began to close off parts of my life to the outside world. As I grew older and worked in my hometown, I began to understand just how big the world was and felt I wanted to do something more. I believe it also led me to develop some of my feelings of cognitive dissonance. My ideal-self began moving farther from my actual-self. My dissonance to increased and led to a path of chasing what I thought I needed to be. 

The search for my true self

My surroundings became unsettling and felt I needed to distance myself from the influences of my hometown. Ironically, while I largely removed myself from the entire social group I grew up with, I only moved two hours from my hometown. But I found that just moving that short distance was enough to begin narrowing the dissonance a bit. Even still, there was a constant moving target in my mind for what and who I needed to be. Each accomplishment just meant there was now something else I needed to become. 

None of the ensuing path necessarily created a negative experience nor can I say I would change it. What I can say is that I am now rapidly discovering that I care less about being something I *think* I should be and accepting who I am. That is not to say I eschew growth and change, nor does it mean that my world no longer influences me. It simply means I feel strongly that the basic person I am is the person I’m meant to be. I have never in my life felt more comfortable with who I am. 

What I’m doing 

Now I’m setting goals and working to become the best version of myself, not trying to become someone I’m not. Talking about it helps. Writing about it helps. Even something as simple as writing down our thoughts for a few minutes can really help us understand. Reducing cognitive dissonance is a significant challenge. However, I’m ready for real growth and creating greater influence over my own life. I’ve also come to understand and appreciate that the influence from our childhood makes us the person we are meant to be. 

I’d encourage anyone else struggling with this to write your thoughts. No frills. Doesn’t require a fancy notebook. No fancy pen. Applications aren’t required. And really heed this: no pressure. It doesn’t need to be on anyone’s schedule but yours. If you feel like writing, write. If you don’t, don’t. Just know that change only comes through action. So, do a little writing and then reflect. You may be pleasantly surprised with the results. 

Read my story here.