Self-doubt creates limitations. I’ve wanted to write for over three years. I brainstormed what I’d like to write about and decided it would be finance. But from my perspective of balancing saving and investing with living life in the present and having experiences. I got motivated. I decided to go for it. So, I thought through what might be an appealing website name and then checked to see what was available. I purchased the website and spent a little time setting up the basic framework. Then, I wrote an about section with details about our lives and how we’d arrived at our current state. Finally, I wrote my first post to begin. And then? Nothing. Self-doubt crept in. I never had the courage nor the follow through to actually make the page public. And once the period was up, my website expired. Without ever a single person seeing it. 

Fast forward to December 2022. I’d been writing and sharing on LinkedIn for several months. Perhaps it’s time to revive the blog idea. I’d gained a little confidence in my writing abilities. Earlier in the summer, I’d finally committed to career transition from active-duty military service. My mantra over this time was to just create a loose plan and go for it. No holding back. Build, measure, learn. Failures are the method in which we learn through trial and error. So once again, I bought the website. And let it sit. Self-doubt creeping back in. Uncertain of my commitment. Doubting that anyone would care to read what I have to say. Fearing that my experiences were less valuable than the time reading my posts would incur. 

Self-doubt and finding my voice

Early February 2023. I had a conversation with my wife regarding my experiences of writing and growing my community on LinkedIn. Something just clicked during that conversation. After about six months of interaction and three months of consistency, I felt myself opening up in a way never before experienced. She could see it too. She encouraged me to share about it. For the first time in my life, I felt I’d found my voice. The idea was born: share my experiences with finding my voice and my journey to help others. Surely, out of the 8 billion people on the planet, someone would find value from my writing. Perhaps through reading my journey, someone else would find courage. 

I’ve always felt I was chasing something. No matter what I’ve done or accomplished, it never seemed to be enough. I felt I was an imposter, soon to be discovered. With every new challenge, I felt sure I would finally feel I’d become who I was supposed to be. And as the new wore off every new accomplishment, I found myself with the same familiar feeling. That I didn’t measure up to what I was meant to be. So, I kept chasing. Kept looking for that thing that would finally mean I’d made it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things many would never do and had some incredible experiences. My life is full. But if you’ve never felt what I’m describing, suffice to say that creates constant self-doubt. 

The approval I’ve been chasing

This self-doubt has an insidious way of eroding our accomplishments. Of making us feel that nothing is ever good enough. No matter what those around us say. Regardless of how much they celebrate our accomplishments. There is an unshakeable feeling of emptiness for those accomplishments. Like there is a party going on around us in our honor but feeling like it doesn’t matter. This differs from imposter syndrome in that it’s not necessarily a doubt in our abilities, but doubt in the relative importance of our accomplishments. It’s really more about the comparison game. Think of scoring the game winning shot in a pickup game, but comparing yourself to Jordan. Not the same at all. That’s reality. 

Overcoming that type of comparison becomes increasingly difficult, the more deep seated it becomes. Over time, we compare everything we do to someone more advanced. Someone more skilled or more accomplished. We devalue our own accomplishments. We minimize their importance and impact. That leads to always chasing something that we feel will bring us to the level we so desire. It’s difficult to understand and even more difficult to explain. What I do know is that through these experiences over the last six months, I’ve finally come to understand what I’ve been chasing all along. It is my own perception of other people’s approval. Even if it doesn’t exist and there is no one comparing or judging my accomplishments, in my own mind they are. 

What I’m doing

Now that I’ve become acutely aware that much of this was self-imposed, the real work begins. I now have a newfound courage to talk about my experiences. To share with others my own path of understanding and discovery. It is time to appreciate my accomplishments. And as I move toward my transition from military service and into the corporate workforce, it’s more important than ever. No more self-doubt. Knowing my value and understanding that I no longer need to measure up to someone else is very freeing. I have no regrets for the time spent in the shackles of my own perceptions. I am truly grateful for my experiences and the path that led me here. Sharing my journey to help someone else find theirs. 

Read my story here.